OK so that lasted 3 weeks. I just read over last week’s post and laughed at myself for being so optimistic. Become an accomplished equestrian?? Fulfill my other, long-term, secret dream?? Ha, ha, ha!!! Who am I kidding?
WARNING: The following is a complaining, unhappy post. I’ve had a bad week.
I did make some progress towards the equestrian dream.Â I found a new farrier.Â Nikki now has shoes on both front feet.Â I went out to ride yesterday for the first time in at least a month.Â Everything was fine at the walk.Â I asked for a trot and got irritated bucking instead.Â I got off and grabbed my lunge line.Â Around and around and around in circles we went.Â (Brief explanation:Â Lunging a horse is to attach a long “lunge” line to his halter or bridle.Â Horse works in circles around you.Â A lazy way to exercise your horse, an easy way to get his bucks out, or, in the right hands, a reasonable training tool.)
When I was done lunging Nikki, I went and found my husband.Â I sat on a milk crate, between tomato plants, in the midst of our huge vegetable garden and nearly cried:Â I’m quitting.Â I’m quitting everything.Â I don’t know why I have to come up with these silly dreams.Â I’m selling Nikki.Â I’m just going to settle for being a good mommy, having a nice house, and being a mediocre, part-time attorney.Â We talked about my “secret” dream.Â We agreed that its completely unrealistic.Â So, I’m done with that.Â Don’t ask about it!!!
Serenity?Â Calm?Â Peaceful??Â POOF!!Â All gone!!Â I’ve been so stressed I’ve given myself migraines all week.Â My dreams are laughing at me as they walk out the door.
What exactly does being an “accomplished equestrian” mean?Â How will I know when I reach that goal?Â Is it attainable?Â I mean, come on, I’m not 16 with the possibility of being an Olympic rider.Â I’m 37, withÂ 2 small kids, married to a frustratingly practical, wonderful husband.Â Â The fact of the matter is that I’ve had Nikki for coming up on 3 years now and we’re still working on the same things:Â Walk, trot, canter.Â Getting past the spooky end of the arena.Â Me not being afraid of him.Â Nikki not dragging me to every blade of grass.Â We’ve been to 3 little schooling shows where its me and a bunch of 13 year olds.Â We haven’t gone over a single jump.Â I don’t remember the last time I jumped.Â And over the past 3 years, Nikki has sent me to the ER, knocked me down, and developed some worse habits, all of which has whittled away at my confidence and made me question my ability.
I’m stuck.Â A new trainer would probably be good for me.Â But, since my horses are at home I need to either trailer somewhere to take lessons, move Nikki, or find a trainer to come to me.Â I don’t own a trailer or a truck which could pull one.Â Nor do we have the money to invest in those things at this time.Â I can’t afford to board Nikki somewhere, particularly since I have a perfectly nice barn and arena here at my house.Â Finding a trainer to come to you is a near impossibility.
So, just why am I riding in circles?Â Small circles since we can’t go down to the far end of the arena.Â I spent some time yesterday on bayequest.com and dreamhorse.com seeing how much I could sell Nikki for.Â Am I serious?Â I don’t know.Â Check back with me next week.
(Danelle left 8 Women Dream in March of 2010 and is still workingÂ on her dream is to become an accomplished equestrian)