I love Facebook. Now I have six hundred friends who think I look like my yearbook picture.
There’s something about Facebook that’s icky when your 80-year-old Uncle Fred pokes you in the middle of the night.
Yesterday I private messaged my husband to tell him I loved him. He was sitting beside me on the sofa at the time.
The cop gave me a ticket yesterday for reckless driving. He accused me of texting. I said, “Excuse me, I was NOT texting and driving. I was playing Candy Crush and posting a picture of my new shoes.”
SingleInSeattle Quits Facebook
“I can’t do it anymore,” my friend SingleInSeattle announced dramatically in her Facebook post. “I’m taking a break from Facebook. From now on, if you want to reach me, you’ll have to call me.” I began looking for a new friend to take her place. It sounds harsh, but I replaced in-the-flesh friends a long time ago, favoring the virtual relationships where you don’t have to send real presents, make real phone calls, or even respond to their latest rant if you don’t want you – you just claim you “didn’t see the post.” I can’t remember the last time I actually went to a wedding – yet I got a front row seat in thirteen of them this year, and was able to scan the whole experience in fifteen minutes and send a card virtually for free. Now that’s what I call a relationship!
“Why are you leaving Facebook?” I asked. “How will you get the latest recipes? What will you do while you’re watching television? How will you communicate? How am I going to know if you’re in a relationship or not? How can you look up old boyfriends to see if they still have hair?”
“I don’t care,” she said. “I’m tired of getting on Facebook and seeing all these happy couples with their happy kids, in their nice shiny happy cars, having happy beach vacations with their new puppies because they all have happy jobs with great co-workers who remember their birthday and give them real cakes with candles, not virtual ones. I can’t stand all this damn happiness. I get off Facebook and all I can see is my car that has 139,000 miles on it and rattles every time I turn on the air. The check engine light has been on since Obama was sworn in, and I never know if I’m about to blow up. My new puppy drools over everything and has this creepy low growl like he is channeling Cujo, and yesterday he ate my brand new shoes that I was planning to wear on my date, which is fine because apparently my date can’t make it due to something about his restraining order not going that far. And thanks to this job I hate and a boss I’m pretty sure is a pedophile in his other life, I don’t have enough money to go to the beach. My best bet at a vacation is getting so drunk in my den that I forget where I am.”
Dealing With Facebook Envy
I can so relate. Sometimes we get on social media and feel discouraged that our lives are pale in comparison to all these shiny happy people. Facebook is where we usually go to post our good news – our new things – our happy times. But sometimes it sets the impression that our lives are perfect, when they aren’t. So in case you’re dealing with a little Facebook envy, let me be the first to announce what you don’t see behind the happy posts:
1. The Profile Picture. Chances are good that profile picture was taken ten years ago and the owner spent hours Photo Shopping it and finding just the right hue to shave off the wrinkles and chin hair. Think about it. Go anywhere – the airport, Walmart, the library, work – and nine out of ten people are really average looking. Or below. So why does Facebook look like we live in a world of models? I don’t think so. Take my own profile picture – you caught me full hair, full makeup, and the one outfit that doesn’t scream softer side of Sears. I blurred it so I would look younger, and gave it a brownish tint so you’d think I’ve been to the beach. Come find me right now, and you’ll see me with hair that looks like birds have nested in it, and a pair of yoga pants I slept in two nights running.
2. In A Relationship. Okay, so maybe you’re single and tired of seeing all these happy people announce they are now in a relationship. First of all, we don’t know that they’re telling the truth. Go to Facebook, type in a few letters, and in minutes you too can be in a relationship. And, second of all, you don’t know who they’re in a relationship with. For all you know, she could be dating that guy you saw at the grocery store lingering in the mini-pad aisle and scratching himself. I’m just saying.
3. Happy Kids. So we look at their family picture where all of them are smiling and wearing rainbow sweaters. What you don’t know is that they had to take fifty-seven pictures before we they could actually catch one of their teenager smiling. And those kids in that picture over there? They aren’t even theirs. Yep. Rentals.
4. Nice Sports Car. Come on people. Do you really think she drives that red hot Ferrari? Pulease. Can you say test drive? Go ahead. Run over to the dealership and tell them you want see what their newest Mercedes feels like. Selfie!
5. Selfies. Speaking of the selfie. Just think about it. Are you really jealous of someone who is obsessed with posting pictures of herself by herself taken by herself at different angles?
6. Fancy Vacations. I know it seems like everybody else is going places but us. But for all you know, those toes in the sand are really just a frazzled mom who happened to snap a picture of her feet in the kids sandbox at the local park before he pee’d in it. It looks like the family is happy and frolicking around in the surf, but you didn’t see them in the car on the way home – ten hours of fighting, snacks running out in the first hour, and Junior throwing up in the back seat. Be careful what you wish for.
7. Somebody’s Jealous of YOU. That’s right. While you’re looking at someone else’s profile and wishing they would catch some oozing rash, someone else is looking at yours and thinking you’re bragging because you have a job – or because your house is clean – or because you are single and free.
So there you go. No reason to be jealous. You can go back to the world of Facebook with a renewed passion and vigor.
But don’t even get me started on YouTube.
In case we’re not connected, come find me: www.facebook.com/funnymotivationalspeaker