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When You Give, You Must Be Prepared to Receive

By on 02/05/2010 in Remy Gervais - Pro Photography Dream

I love being a part of 8 Women Dream!

In my individual quest to reach my own goals, I also get a chance to support the other 7 women as well.  It creates an important balance of giving and receiving – a balance that I think is critical to honor and pay attention to.

The giving part is where we support each other in reaching our goals.  I can do research, offer consulting insights, find resources, or just be there when someone needs an objective ear and a shoulder to beat up on.

And there is the receiving part – where support, help, insights, resources and whatever I need are given by others to ME.

Being the giver is easy.  It’s natural for me to find ‘needs’.  And taking action to address those needs, whether people ask for help or not, is a habit of mine.  Because I know it’s a genuine act from me, my support is unconditional.  I have no agenda when I give, other than to help one of the 7 get what they want.

Being the receiver is NOT easy!

Receiving assumes I have needs.  Receiving may look like I don’t have it all under control.  Receiving means I’m asking for something, and that others have to get involved to help  me get what I want.   Receiving means that a gift is being offered and I can accept it.

And frankly, I suck at that.

I had the unexpected chance to drive around my hometown this week with a friend I haven’t seen in many years.  Realizing that I had a ‘new audience’ I talked his ear off about 8 Women Dream, my photography goals and my recent business successes and failures.

And after the long winded list,  I stopped talking to eat my ice cream – and he said with a large smile, “I wanna help you.”

I looked over at him slowly.  Wait – was  I asking for help?  Did I look like I couldn’t do it myself?  Why would he spend his time to help me without wanting something in return.

I got really uncomfortable.

Apparently I looked confused and overwhelmed at his offer, and at some point I realized I  was holding my breath.  My face got hot and I  didn’t know what to say.

He started laughing and let me off the hook.

I’m thankful that he’s such a good friend or my inability to receive gracefully could have been even more embarrassing.

He told me he could offer leverage towards finishing my website, which has been on my ‘almost finished’ list for months.  Within 5 minutes, I felt ok about what he wanted to give, and why he wanted to give it.

By then, I even felt OK to accept it.

What is it about receiving that is so difficult for me?

I know it’s not a new hang up.  I’ve been aware of it for years, and now everyone gets to see ‘behind the curtain’.

What I’m realizing is that my work with 8 Women Dream needs me to be prepared to give and to receive.  I can’t be overly greedy or overly silent in either.

And if they are up for it, I’m counting on the 7 to remind me of that.

Until next photo,

Rem

(Remy’s dream is creating opportunities for photography showings and public displays of her work and to ultimately be recognized nationally as a photographer … then the world.  Remy’s post day is Friday)

DREAM GOAL:  TO HAVE A GALLERY SHOWING OF HER BEST PHOTOGRAPHS and WALK/RUN THE BAY TO BREAKERS MAY 16 WITH 8 WOMEN DREAM

Remy’s dream is creating opportunities for photography showings and public displays of her work and to ultimately be recognized nationally as a respected photographer . . . then the world. Remy is CEO of Cornerstone Creative, a business consulting practice in Northern California. Remy’s post day is Wednesday. +Remy Gervais

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.

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  • http://www.lisamagiccarpetride.blogspot.com Lisa

    Hi Remy, proud of you for letting your friend help you… and for setting the intention to be more open to receiving! I used to also really struggle with that – I am a giver and always wanted to do for others, and had a hard time letting others do things for me. Well I have to say a difficult divorce cured me of that – I HAD to rely on others during my cross-country move, while packing up my belongings from my former in-laws home, etc. I had to rely on others for emotional support too.

    Many friends let me stay in their homes while moving my possessions into storage, and when I’d apologize for being in the way, they’d say, “Lisa you have always been there for us, and we love having you here! It’s our pleasure to help!” And it truly was… I was in a way giving them a gift too by letting them help me through something difficult.

    I also feel that no one achieves any really BIG dreams in the world without help from others. We are all interconnected. We all need each other. Giving and receiving can be a beautiful natural flow in our lives, if we allow it… but as Cath said it is not what we are taught culturally as women.

    Let us help you live your dreams Remy! We’re here for you girlfriend! :)

    xoxo
    Lisa

    • Remy G

      Lisa thanks for the reminders! There was also a time in my life where I needed to lean on others thru major crap, and it changed my way of thinking about what it means to give. You are right – we are all interconnected – and we should learn to use that strength and power to our advantage for growth.
      Thank you for making me smile! xoxo
      Rem

  • Remy G

    R – Thanks for the reinforcement. And a special thanks for letting me work thru that in front of you. Sometimes there isnt enough ice cream in the world is there??
    Rem

  • Rob

    Recieving from another can also be looked at as an act of giving Rem. By that I mean you are giving someone the chance to show you in a concrete way that they value you and your friendship. Rachel said it very well when she said that there are “givers” and that you are one of those. I completely agree with her on that point.

    From a mans perspective; giving, which in most masculine cases, means “doing something” for you is a way for us (men) to show we care/love you.
    Looked at from my perspective, that means by being a better “reciever” you are also becoming a better “giver.”

    Keep working on it Rem, and keep dreaming. :-)

  • Jason

    When I lost my job last year and had to take help from friends and family, I couldn’t stand it. A very wise person (you) told me “just let it wash over you”. How many times have I had to tell myself that over the past 14 months? About a thousand. I can’t get used to it. I’m the one whose supposed to be helping, that’s what I was taught, not getting the help. And what did you do? You helped me through it. Giving like you always do by listening to me stress about everything and anything. The days sitting at Starbucks and just talking help me stay sane and hold things together

    Thank you Remy for being a good friend and an amazing person!

    • Remy G

      J – Thank you so much for saying that…and I’m glad that the time we spent at Starbucks gave us both a chance to remain sane. What a crazy time! I’m confident that the universe will give you plenty of time to give back and in a huge way.

      Funny thing is, even when you think you are in receiver mode, you still find ways to give. Helping at SJV, becoming a part time expert painter, driving field trips…..money is not the only way to “give” and you have shown that. I’m glad you are headed in the right direction job wise, and things will be back on track and even better, soon. I know it! Rem

  • Remy G

    Kim, thank you so much for your comments. I believe you and I are alot alike – it’s funny how life’s paths and detours allow us the chance to grow, give, learn and receive. I am in awe of your strength and healing path. I look forward to hearing more about what goes on for you! To LIFE! Rem

  • Kim (Dana’s lead)

    Hi Remy,
    Having recently gone through long illness, I was forced to be in a position of receiving… very difficult for me as well. It took some tragedy on my part, but I did learn that my ability to receive gave someone else an opportunity to give.. something I have always cherished in my own life.

    One day, a very wise, beautiful woman (your mom) said to me, “Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey.” What a gift!

    We’re all on a journey. We all have lots to learn. Whatever the journey, we are different women because of the experience and because of who we share it with. For all those who have supported me, I am truly grateful and remember them every day as I celebrate my health. I believe they are grateful as well.

    Here’s to gracious, giving women learning how to make opportunities for others!!!!!
    Kim

  • Rachel

    You find it uncomfortable because you are a giver. Givers get pleasure from giving. There are whole cultures where he who gives the most wins. That’s how you get status. Sociologists have a word for it — I forget what it is.

    I have a pair of friends who are givers. I realized a long time ago that it would be ridiculous to get into a “who can be the bigger giver” contest with them — I would certainly lose. Damn! I knew it, I knew I had to accept it, but I was still uncomfortable. I still felt like I owed them something I could never repay.

    But then I realized something. They’re givers. Nothing makes them happier than to give. So the most generous thing I can do for them, is to accept their help. And I know that’s true, because I love it when people accept my help — it tends to make me like them, and it makes me feel good about myself, that I could be useful to someone.

    I don’t know if it’ll work for you or not, but it’s really worked for me. I believe that in a sense I’m doing them a favor by accepting their help gracefully, and it makes me pretty darn comfortable doing it.

  • Catherine, Site Admin

    In the culture we live in – and we ourselves – place a very high value on independence. We’re raised on the expectation that we will ultimately take care of ourselves.

    As children, we learn to dress and feed ourselves, as teenagers we learn to think for ourselves and finally, as adults, we assume responsibility for our lives. Yippy skippy, we’ve finally grown up.

    Yet . . .

    Independence is a relative thing.

    Really.

    How many of us are truly independent of other people?

    Physically, psychologically or financially – we are all interdependent. It’s part of being human. And receiving is part of being human too.

    When we don’t accept the help that someone is offering we are depriving them of an experience. We are rebuffing their impulse to be generous, to be giving, and we are making sure that we don’t allow too much of a relationship to grow.

    I was told once that accepting help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.

    You are just building a new muscle.