Do Not Let Your Old Junk Screw You Out of Your Dreams

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Do Not Let Your Old Junk Screw You Out of Your Dreams: Dream skies

I’ve had big dreams as far back as I can remember. They have been many and various, but one dream I’ve wanted for most of my life is the wish to escape the hell inside of me as a result of repeated abuse by certain people.

I have lived with PTSD.

I also have lived with a panic disorder which can go hand in hand with PTSD

If I did not take medication, these disorders from all that I went through both before and right after Hurricane Katrina would have interfered with getting on with my life, yet I did not let this stop me from pursuing my dreams.

Do Not Let Your Old Junk Screw You Out of Your Dreams: Maria's dream creations

I’ve spent a greater part of my life walking around waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My brain became been programmed to operate with the” fight-or-flight” response. It was scary and exhausting.     Now, each day when I open my eyes, I thank God for people and things that are catalysts for my well being-  -my resilience from surviving the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina,  my therapist, beautiful food, cooking, and music.

I now understand that all these things were also dreams that saved me. To this day, something as simple as cooking a pancake and watching the bubbles dance puts me serenely  and completely in the present moment.   These things started as “survival techniques” but they eventually helped me thrive.

Do Not Let Your Old Junk Screw You Out of Your Dreams: Pear on cream

I have wondered if I should tell the whole story of me and my life here on 8 Women Dream.

I’ve wondered how people will react and not react to my story. I’ve thought about certain people that I know, and how some of them will become quiet when they see my story today. Their silence will scream at me.

I am a survivor of childhood abuse.

I am strong and I am fulfilling my dreams now in a healthy, happy space.

I want my story to be this dream message to you: Do not let old “junk” screw you out of your dreams.

Because it can. That’s where the real shame lies.

Do Not Let Your Old Junk Screw You Out of Your Dreams: Maria drizzling

Dreams are one of the most beautiful gifts in the universe.

If you find that you “can’t quite get to your dream,” and you know in the depths of your soul that it is because of past pain that is still haunting you today, turn your direction.  Give up the excuses.  Quit blaming other people, your circumstances and whatever other excuse you can muster.

Stop living there.

Do whatever it takes to look at what pain is holding you back from the life you deserve.  Cross that pain hurdle once and for all and run with everything you’ve got towards your dreams, but take it easy and do it at the pace you know feels right.

Do Not Let Your Old Junk Screw You Out of Your Dreams: Maria's dream salad

Last year, around this time, I went back to New Orleans, Louisiana. It was the first time I had visited since I moved to Sonoma County, California after Hurricane Katrina.

It had been 5 years.

I was excited to go back for many reasons. After-all, I had spent 44 years of my life there. I have so many wonderful memories of living and growing up in such a magical place, but I also needed to close a chapter on my own personal heartbreak memories.

Below is the video from when I went back and closed the chapter on what has screwed with my dreams most of my life. Doing this video was one of the most powerful, most painful, and most necessary things I’ve done to honor myself and stop the cycle destruction that sexual abuse can bring.

This video is intense and contains profanity. I’m just giving you a head’s up.

Since that day, I’ve not looked back. This video freed me from my dream barriers.

I only had to do it once.

If you can relate to this particular story, I lovingly urge you to get help and support so you can start authentically living your dreams too.

The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse Courage to Healis a book I highly recommend. I purchased it at the age of 23 when I was suddenly crippled with the effects of the abuse but was afraid to open my mouth.

My friends, stop taking the easy way out.

If you don’t have all you want in life, it’s not because it wasn’t meant to be for you. It is because you have not done all the work that you need to do.  You need to heal your past.

You are awesome. Claim it.

This week’s recipe is a cup of chamomile tea.  Chamomile tea is calming and loving to your soul.



Chamomile TeaChamomile Tea

  • 1 cup water
  • 1 tsp dried chamomile flowers
  • Sugar or honey to taste

Bring water to boil and add chamomile flowers.
Boil for 60 seconds.
Pour into a cup – strain if you prefer and add honey or another sweetener to taste.

If you prefer an easier recipe, the buy chamomile tea at the store –

  • Put the tea bag in the hot water, sit back and love yourself.

**I am once again featuring the images created by my friend and star photographer, Andy Chou. Andy — you rock my world.

  • I enjoyed reading this Maria! I wish I could sit down and have a conversation with you, I can just imagine how much fun I would have from hearing all your stories of overcoming your fears. Sending you lots of Love from me x

    • maria

      love you sue.   one day.  i want to come your way.  s. africa rocks.     xo

  • Bobc

    Thank you my friend – you are am amazing women and I honor your soul. It takes huge heart to bear your self – huge bravery for such vulnerability. You speak for your self, yes  – but,also for thousands. Your share points the way for healing to those who are still lost. I have more to say, but will wait until we are face-to-face.

    • maria

      i love you bobc.   i will probably cry when i see you and get one of those awesome hugs you give.   

  • Womenhunttoo

    very powerful stuff….thanks for sharing

    • maria

      you are most welcome

  • Toxic people and toxic places are so hard to let go of. I grew up under the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling. Never easy to stay positive in those environments, but I love your mentioning “Stop living there”. This is so important in my own dream journey, and it shows in everything you do in yours.

    Hugs and support always, Heather

    • maria

      toxic people and things get easier to let go of as we get emotionally healthy.   i don’t think twice anymore about walking from anything or anyone toxic.     i’m sorry you grew up with that feeling………you get it.    no one deserves to stay in sadness but only they can take the step.     hugs and support to you always too my dear

  • Catherine

    I think your point about cleaning up the pain from our past to move forward with our dreams is so powerful and so true.  I’ve seen this so many times with dreamers who have taken their dream journey on 8 Women Dream.  They start out excited and ready to take on the world and then over time they run up against an invisible wall and begin ignoring their dream, blaming their lack of progress on other people or circumstances, and they become over-sensitive and resistant to change, or suggestions of any kind.  

    They’d then become sad because they’d hit the wall of past pain holding them back but they just couldn’t see that this is what was happening.  Like a person drowning in water, they’d trash and lash out, instead of relaxing, taking a deep breath and becoming aware of where they were, what was available to them, and that they held the power to create their dream.

    Many just stopped working on their dream at this stage and stagnated in the place of blame and sadness, never really moving forward on their dream.  They’d write about anything but their real dream.  It was hard to watch and even more difficult to understand, but Marcia Wieder of Dream University pointed out to me that what I was seeing was their resistance to change, deeply rooted in fear and pain.  They were hitting the place where they always stopped their dream progress.

    Some people work through it, like you have, while others move on never really reaching their full dream potential.  Your story will touch so many and I am sorry that this happened to you.  Over time I think the PTSD will improve as you continue to move forward with your dreams and food stories.  Writing heals the broken heart.

    Big hug, Cath

    • maria

      the PTSD has improved.   remember that little incident called hurricane katrina?   well,  that sucker was another round of added PTSD.  fun,huh?    i often say moving to northern cali saved me and it still goes.   where i am geographically has allowed me to ” be ” and to do the work i am here to do.    it removed me from a wonderful in some ways but very toxic place.   i focus on my dreams and passions and it definitely is chipping away at the PTSD.   i’ll kick it to the curb one day……    huge hug to you and will talk with you later or tomorrow 

  • Carlawilkinson

    I am very sorry that you suffered as a child & that you continue to suffer. I think you would be surprised at how many people have suffered similar trauma, & have gone on to have happy lives filled with love. Try to surround yourself with only positive, loving people & let go of all the toxic ones. They don’t matter. Wishing you a peaceful day.

    • maria

      thank you carla.  the thing is, i really don’t continue to suffer.  i’m not sure where you got that impression.   does it still affect me at times? yes and i feel sure it always will.    it also is actually just part of the abuse and neglect i endured as a child.   these other things along with the happiest times and stories will be in my book. i am aware of how many people have suffered trauma.   lots have gone on to happy lives and lots have never dealt with it.   i truly believe this is a large reason people are such a mess and society is so sick.    this is a blog purely to help others who still actually suffer and feel stuck. 
      my life is full of love and much peace.  i wouldn’t have been able to do this if it wasn’t.    i wish you a peaceful day also.  

      • maria

        carla,   i  think i  understand your comment about me “continuing to suffer”   i am guessing it is because I said I live with PTSD.    

  • Brave. Brave. Dreamer

    • maria

      thanks.  love. 

      • maria

        i’m a leo  :-p

  • Martha

    I’m sorry Maria.  For people who can admit to going through it, I think it’s helpful, both to others and to themselves.  I didn’t have an easy time, but it wasn’t from sexual abuse, which is probably a lot harder to deal with and talk about.  There is an attitude that people have that if our parents or relatives abused us, we should be quiet about it.  What if someone told all the victims in this world that they were not allowed to talk about it, not allowed to have it acknowledged.  I wish you a lot of love, compassion and success in your life.  You deserve it.

    • maria

      it’s ok martha and thanks.   it was obviously part of the big plan and i absolutely know now why it happened.   i believe all abuse is difficult to talk about.  maybe sexual abuse is harder to deal with but i think emotional abuse is a huge burden for people.  abuse is abuse and it fucks people up if they don’t work hard to break the cycle and the unhealthy patterns that develop in their adult lives as a result of the abuse.    sexual abuse is not about sex.  it’s about power in some deranged way.  it messes people up b/c in some cases the child grows to trust the adult and loves them.   they know what is happening is wrong and awful but they are told not to tell and they sickly protect the abuser.   it’s a mind fuck to say the least.      thank you for the kind wishes.  i feel successful in the simple fact that i have made this hurdle w/o ending up a drug addict or a low functioning person.   i’ve come out on the other side whole and that is success for me.   xo.