Guest Dreamer: Val Boyko, Mother Whisperer Stepping Out of The Box

Val Boyko, Mother WhispererThanks Rayne for inviting me to share my point of view. As a coach my job is to look at different perspectives and explore possibilities, so this is right up my alley!

I like to step out of the box and challenge “stuck” thinking, ways of being and behaving. I’m not in the healing business like a therapist. I’m in the “moving forward and creating a great life” business.

When we step out of our own story and take a bigger perspective, we see that most mothers give birth to a human being and a whole bunch of things.

It’s a birthing of hopes, dreams, and possibilities for the future and a new generation, a birthing of the child’s own talent, creativity and beauty. At that moment there are great hopes.

Yet life goes on and things get tangled.

There are mothers who hope for things for their child. Mothers who hope for things for themselves, Mothers who hope for things for themselves through their child. Along the way hopes can get dashed and are replaced with disappointment, hurt, blame and unfulfilled dreams.

The results are: daughters who don’t know who they truly are as adult women; daughters who are still trying to be free from their mothers’ power and influence; daughters who keep hoping for their mothers to love them the way they want; daughters who cannot get over the loss of their mothers.Val pulling her hair out

At the end of the day we are all seeking peace of mind.

We started Mother Whisperers because we found that most women do NOT have wonderful relationships with their mothers.

Most mother daughter relationships can be challenging and have their share of drama and turmoil. (If there are no ups and downs then someone is drinking cool-aid!)

Mother Whisperers wants to inspire and support adult daughters to create the
relationship they want with their mothers and find peace of mind.

If the relationship is not possible, for whatever reason, then we can pass on the legacy of healthy, loving and authentic mother daughter relationships to the next generation and beyond.

Mother WhisperersSo, how do we get from a place of hurt to a place of self empowerment?

Therapy looks at what is wrong, why it has happened in the past and how the person can be healed. For many daughters of toxic mothers this has been a godsend.

However, there comes a time for many of us, when we are ready to move on from the healing.

This is when we step into our own power.

It can look like this:

  • Instead of looking at what’s wrong, you start to look at what’s right.
  • You appreciate life. You embrace your good marriage, children or a daughter who is expressing herself to the world.
  • You are ready to show and receive love, despite the past.
  • You feel good about yourself.
  • You start to see possibilities about how your life can be different.
  • You are prepared to make some changes and move towards the relationship you want.

Do you find yourself getting stuck in the past and what’s wrong? What’s right for you in your life now? How could you build on, that rather than being stuck in what’s wrong?

Val Boyko Tiberia

From Val’s bio on Mother Whisperers: Val is a Scot and an American, living outside of Philadelphia with her new husband and three dogs. She is a certified career and leadership coach who specializes in effective communication. Her vision is for a world where we understand one another, accept differences and are at peace, and it all starts with ourselves! As a coach, Val works in global corporations and with individuals who are navigating change, want to communicate more effectively and build better relationships. In 2010 Val also became a registered yoga teacher and Mom to a third pup!

Speaking for myself –

“As a Mother Whisperer, I drew the line at using a leash and barking collar as I practiced my own mastery with my mother :) Humor has always been an important part of me — as an expression of my joy, and as a way to handle the stresses of life. The ability to laugh at myself and see the lighter side of life has worked for me. My yoga practice has also taught me how to be fully present, and that has been such a gift in dealing with life’s ups and downs — including my own mother relationship! I’m looking forward to sharing these experiences and more with you on this journey”

You can visit Val at Mother Whisperers at motherwhisperers.com

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  • Val Boyko

    You are right. Daughter have issues with their Fathers, and Sons with their mothers too. The relationships between mothers and daughters can be particularly difficult and complex for many of us because our mothers were our primary caregivers and role models. Many of the tips and advice on our site can apply to daughters and fathers, as well as our other close relationships where there is conflict.

  • Mad at my dad

    What about Father Whisperers? There’s a lot of toxic dads out there too with daughters aching and hurting from rejection, verbal and physical abuse.

  • melanie b

    I like what you have to say and I think your web site is enthralling.

    • Val Boyko

      Thanks Melanie! I love the word enthralling :)

  • jose

    Great post. I detest my mom and I get that I need to heal. Thanx for this.

  • Remy Gervais, Top Photographer

    Hi Val, great to have you guest post this week! I would have to say that my relationship with my mom wasn’t that bad growing up, but alot of that had to do with me being a pleaser. I got older and things starting shifting, I became an adult, I felt the responsibility to develop a relationship with her rather than just have one….I had to power to ‘show up to it’ any way I wanted to. It meant letting go of things that kept me stuck, and being brave enough to talk with her about what was important to me – and I can say that I now have a great connection and relationship with my mom – it wasn’t easy or ‘automatic’ as some relationships can be when they are developing, but it was worth it! xox Rem

    • Val Boyko

      Rem,
      Thanks for sharing your mother whispering story :) It can be especially hard for we Pleasers to stand up for ourselves. It does take courage as well as insight into ourselves as adult women. With that insight it becomes our choice.
      Congratulations for finding your courage and making the relationship work!.

  • Natasha

    Disconnecting from family, friends or spouses can be difficult decision for anyone. It’s a personal situation requiring a unique perspective in each individual case. It’s great that you offer a place where women can talk about their relationships with their mothers and heal in whatever way works for their mother-daughter situation.

    • Val Boyko

      Thanks Natasha. We are all unique, just as as our mother experiences are! Yet it feels good to know that we are there for each other :)

  • Thank you Val for giving us such valuable advice when it comes to our relationships with our mothers. I’ve noticed through the years how much my relationship has changed with my mother. I love her — always have but I have enjoyed her the most since having my son and watching her be a grandmother to him.

    She has always wanted to best for me and I feel lucky for that.

    I am looking forward to promoting your post and the feedback it gets.

    Catherine

    • Val Boyko

      Thanks Catherine. Keep appreciating :)

  • Carole

    Hi Val

    Interesting post. I disagree with a lot of what you wrote. But still find it interesting to read another person’s view.

    Carole