Warning: If Your Dream Is To Date You Have To Leap Without A Net

dating is to Leap Without A Net

This week guest blogger Rod from Sacramento offers his view on following your dreams to meet someone . . .

I am wondering now if it is, or was an accident, the two she picked share the same profession. Yes, I am an Investigator too. Like the other guest blogger who wrote about finding a perfect mate, I am cautious, a student of people and have the tools and the capability to weed out bull shit.

At first, I struggled with what I was going to write about, I am sure my friend Remy is rethinking ever giving me her telephone number – as I have been burning up her cell phone freaking out about not being able to get past my writers block.

But I think I’ve got it.

My dream is to find that perfect person. The one who lights up the room when she walks in, the person I call just to hear her voice during the day. The woman I want to spend my life with. It was suggested I blog about dating women in their 40’s and 50’s, and my experience with Internet dating.

Looking for inspiration, I went back and read a number of prior blogs here on 8 Women Dream, and I found what I was looking for. Reading those posts forced me into some self-inspection of what I have been doing for the past 10 years. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped to look at my life like this.

If you had asked me 15 to 20 years ago, I would have said that my dream life at age 55 would be sitting on the patio with my (then) wife, drinking a gin and tonic (Tanqueray of course) discussing our children, their success, maybe grand children — and joking about why it takes me 4+ hours to BBQ “Rod’s Ribs”.

See! I had the dream right there the whole time – and I didn’t see it, or maybe I didn’t appreciate it. It is exactly the dream I am now searching for with someone else. Nevertheless, I left my dream at age 44 by divorcing my wife (or her me) — during that same period in my life I re-met a woman (through a class reunion site) and entered into a new relationship pretty quickly (a typical “guy thing”, right?).

Over the course of the next 10 years, our pattern was pretty erratic: we’ve dated, lived together, did not live together, did not date, dated, lived together, did not live together, not date, hanging out together. At the beginning of our relationship she called herself my “In-Between Girl”, which I hated! I have always rejected that notion because I don’t think I ever understood what she meant — until now.

My question to myself:

Did I ever really take steps toward my dream with the In-Between Girl?

Our role together has become a “friend(s) with benefits’ – and what we have been doing with each other, all though often fun and supportive, is not good for either of us any longer. It appears to have prevented us both from finding our own special person to spend our lives with. If I want my dream — and if it is not with the In-Between Girl, I need to man-up and take some risks. I have to go and find her/my dream.

But find her on the Internet?

In the past, I would hit the online dating sites searching for something – I would hope – to find the dream – but in all honesty, I do not believe I ever let an internet relationship ever go beyond email chat or an occasional telephone call. I enjoyed the hunt, the interaction, but didn’t make the move to build a relationship or step toward my dream relationship life.

So for me to talk about a male’s perspective on internet dating likely could be considered a fraud. Because I did not date! It was more like . . . voyeur-ing. This whole time, I have been internet dating with a safety-net, so to speak.

So, thank you 8 Women Dream for asking me to fill in. Two weeks ago, when I agreed to do this I did not believe I would be getting in my own face — I thought I would just be making a few comments about past relationships and internet dating sites.

Instead, I am now returning to the beginning — and finally take the steps to find my own dream relationship. So help me out – do you have a dating ‘safety net’? How did you realize it, and how did you begin to work without it?

Rod

As a final note – I must tell you – I have even a higher opinion of these 8 women then I already had, as they do this every week and it is not easy! It’s not about putting the words on paper – I am talking about the self-inspection that must go into everything they blog about with their dreams. My hat is off to you ladies, well done.


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  • Veronica

    Rod,
    Wow! You absolutely blew me away! Wow!
    I am speechless, great job.
    Thank you.
    Veronica

  • Rayne

    I like having Rod as a guest blogger! It’s fascinating to read about dating from the man’s perspective. Of course, men are so romantic. They always think they are going to (angels singing) find THE ONE on a beach at sunset. Few consider that their Safeway checker is a nice gal or that their insurance agent or local business owner is marriage material. I think men have bigger romance fantasies than women and that it limits them from noticing real people worth dating. Dude, make a list of 10 nice single women you already know. Ask three to coffee. Report back to us. Good job on the guest spot, Rod!

    • Rod

      Rayne,

      Thank you~!

      I totally agree with you, men (normally) are more romantic then our female counterparts. That has been my experience at least. Yes you also caught me (Play “Escape – The Piña Colada Song”) – I have been looking for my romantic beach walking girl.

      I also think we (men) are a lot more sensitive than we let on to be or are given credit . I’m not sure if that is bad or good.

      Ok, Ok I will take up your challenge and take a second look at the checker at Bel Air, and a few other professional ladies I already have as friends. However, I am drawing the line on the insurance agent, he’s not my type :>).

      One question, do I need to limit myself to 3 out of the 10? That seems like real bad odds… Just kidding.

      Thanks again Rayne,
      Rod

      • Rayne

        Three is a perfect, balanced and not too big number. A lot of people make the mistake of always considering TOO MANY candidates when they should know themselves well enought to narrow the list down. Humor me. Try three. Report back. I’ll be wishing on hay trucks for you.

  • Remy G

    I would agree with Mariska, its great to get a man’s perspective –
    I’ve had an IBGuy of my own, and when I Iook back now, even tho it felt ok, even right at the time, I realized it just kept me from finding a real relationship like you describe you want. I also feel that with a few ‘failed’ marriages, I’m beginning to not trust my instincts when meeting someone new – I”m with Cath, when she meets her international guy, I’ll go with her, and travel the world. Do you think the guy would mind? lol

    Rod, great to have you stand in for Veronica, and for putting your experiences out there. I admire you!

    xox Rem

    • Rod

      Remy,

      Thanks for the help and encouragement all though this process.

      Maybe Cath’s international guy with have a friend and hopefully that friend will have a sister and we can all travel together…

      Your instincts are good, trust them~!

      Thanks again,
      Rod

      • Remy, Photographer & CEO of Cornerstone Creative

        Rod, now THAT sounds like a party. Cath, the guy, me, the guys friend and you and the guy’s friends’ sister.

        I cant imagine 5 other people I’d rather travel with. lol and you only know one of us. Brave!

        R

  • Mariska

    OMG! So cool to hear a dude’s view! I just hope no guy I’ve been with tells our story on the internet. My bf and I met while we were skiing. I wouldn’t date him, but I would agree to meet to ski half day. We did this a whole season before I agreed to see him off the snow. We were friends first. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to date and he talked me into it. He’s a great guy, but I’m glad we took it slow. -M

    • Rod

      Mariska,

      Slow is good. Never hurts to have boundaries and to put a rein on us guys. Of course as long as they are realistic. Thanks for you comments.

      Oh and shhhh if you don’t tell my IBG I wont tell your BF that we both just talked about them on the internet.

      Enjoy,
      R

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  • Well my life is complicated and I think you have to be unencumbered to be open to relationships. I help my ex husband out a lot and our son is 15 1/2 – in a few years he will be off at college, and hopefully my ex will be over what he has been dealing with and I’ll pick up my life from there.

    But I have really been thinking a great deal about living outside the US and want to be free to make that choice in a few years. I have been with men since I was 15 – all long term relationships – I like being alone and doing things by myself so I am looking forward to exploring another life once my son is off and running with his life.

    I’ve done the long boyfriend thing, the married thing, the friend with benefits thing and none of that interests me anymore. Sort of that been there done that feeling.

    Now I want to have a relationship with a foreign country, and travel, and online entrepreneurship and enjoy my family and friends.

    But I admire anyone who is out there looking. You are all so amazingly brave!

    Cath

    PS That’s not my Uncle – that is the writer’s uncle who wrote that piece on dating to men. He wanted men to get real about dating. I thought it was great advice that everyone could use.

  • Rod

    Cath,

    “That being said, I have no plans to date any time soon lol.” Wow, all that and you came to this conclusion. No no no.

    By the way, I think your uncle and my aunt “Eunie” dated or possibly he was one of her five husbands. She gave me similar advice when I swore off dating (in my 20’s). I kinda wish she was around now to kick my butt, cause I know she would.

    Thanks for all your help and inspiration,
    Rod

  • Great post Rod!

    Your statement ” . . . to find that perfect person. The one who lights up the room when she walks in . . .” makes me nervous.

    I am friends with a guy who has always said the same thing – he’s now 50 and never been married. No children. He’s dated many wonderful women who would have been ideal, who were good friends to him, sharing many of his life’s passions, but because he is looking for the “perfect-light-up-the-room woman”, he has never found her.

    The best marriages I know, the couple were friends first, often sharing a common hobby or work. The ones that have ended the quickest were the ones full of fireworks and hot, steamy sex.

    Writer Maco Fanie once wrote something I find so valuable –

    “. . . Often in dating we have these grand ideas of what our perfect mate should be like – the type of hair, height, weight, complexion, what social class, income, their love making skills, type of clothes, or what church they go to. But rarely do we consider the characteristics that last forever – their heart, their communication skills, their conflict management skills, or IS THIS SOMEBODY THAT I CAN LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY and WHO WILL LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY?

    I think that men and women try to create their perfect mate, but what we want is a bit far fetched. My uncle said that everybody that we meet is going to have flaws so get with the person whose flaws you can deal with the most.

    So instead of dating the person – you date the idea that you have of the person – your perfect expectations. And when that person no longer fits into the scope of what your perfect mate should look like or act like, you find yourself back at square one searching for that perfect mate again. But there was a real person in the person that you were dating, a person beyond the superficial who could probably offer you those intangibles that you really need.

    None of us are perfect, so we should not be looking for a perfect person – rather a person that is a compliment of who you are – and more importantly a person who you can love unconditionally and that will love you in the same way. It is time for many of us to throw away the superficial and external ideas of a perfect mate and begin opening ourselves up to the one who is perfect for you . . .”

    That being said, I have no plans to date any time soon lol.

    Good luck!

    Cath