Dreaming of A Normal Life

I was sitting in jail.

On the other side of the bullet-proof glass was a young woman facing a possible 30-year sentence. Incarcerated for two years while awaiting trial and facing a crucial court date, she agreed to talk to me about her toxic mother.

It was just another interview for the book I’m writing, “Confessions of an Undutiful Daughter” which focuses on surviving certifiably toxic moms. That’s why lately you can find me talking to women in coffee shops, rest homes and even jail, scribbling notes like mad.

The inmate’s mother came from a good family in Thailand, a rich family. She arrived in America with a much older husband and a passport that said she was 18 although she was actually 14. She was also eight months pregnant with her daughter, now 30, who prefers going by a typical high school cheerleader’s name, instead of her birth name.

Her story is an exhausting string of observations documenting her mom’s sudden arrivals and departures. With four children, two of them disabled, the mother left the family’s home when the youngest child was a baby. For a while it seemed like they’d never see her again. Then the mother returned with a boyfriend who moved right in and got comfortable. At regular intervals the maternal grandmother swooped in to help the children in various ways.

Instead of going to high school she joined her wandering mother in Texas. They made their home in the back of a strip mall massage parlor.

“I would watch the women at these mirrors, always putting on makeup and going through this door. My mother told me to never open that door,” she said.

Of course the daughter became a prostitute. Of course drug addiction followed.

In jail, she attends drug school and works toward her GED, dreaming of a normal life.

In jail, she works on improving her English vocabulary.

In jail she reads and re-reads poems her 13-year-old daughter writes.

“When I was pregnant I was thinking of nice things for my daughter. It was the first time I thought I could never do to her what my mother did to me,” she said.

Her mother taught her it was better to sleep with strangers and make money than to sleep with boys and be poor. By 15 she was wearing nice clothes, buying jewelry and driving a car from state to state to work.

She knew something wasn’t quite right.

“My mother would introduce me to her customers as her daughter and I’d say, Mom that sounds so bad. Say I’m your cousin.”

I looked at her through the glass with my jaw dropped open. She nodded, smiling.

I have heard from women of all ages whose stories on how to navigate relationships with their toxic moms astound me. For some, it’s a matter of avoiding sore subjects or refusing to be abused to maintain the relationship. For others, like me, the only reasonable path is to cut all contact.

A common lament in most interviews is the wish that a wise older woman had talked to them about toxic mothers when they were younger; before they wasted time, tears and energy on mothers who hurt them.

Nobody ever told this inmate that her mother was a bad influence. The only people she met as a ‘tweener and teen were customers and other sex workers, some even younger than she. Averaging three customers an hour, her breaks were spent watching videos of a popular Thai soap opera.

“I watched that show so long that the girls that were girls like me are the mothers in the show now,” she said with a smile.

I thought gathering these toxic mom stories would be a struggle. What I thought was the last taboo — saying that you have a dreadful mother out loud — is something a lot of women are willing to talk, cry and laugh about.

Who are these toxic moms? They are moms who didn’t hug, kiss, or say ‘I love you.’ Moms, who lied, cheated and stole. Moms who looked nice in public, but pinched, slapped and belittled in private. They were mystery moms, intoxicated moms, and emotional “mom bombs.”

For the woman awaiting trial, her mom was the one who asked “What’s the big deal if a guy wants to go without a condom?”

I have visited her twice. During each session, we laughed a lot about her mom and horse around with the subject of toxic mothers. She said telling her story made her feel good, feel “lighter.”

“How would you describe your mother’s parenting style?” I asked her with a grin.

She had a one word answer, which she delivered with a dramatic roll of her eyes.

“Bad.”

Here’s what I’m hoping. These stories about toxic moms, as told by their daughters, will provide yardsticks against which other women struggling with guilt, remorse and frustration will be able to measure their own mother/daughter relationships.

And who knows, maybe one day this story will help someone stay out of jail.

* * *

Got a toxic mom? Your stories can help others. Click on this link to fill our questionnaire:

www.8womendream.com/got-a-dream-ask-for-help

photo credit: Jonathan Taylor

Rayne Wolfe’s dream is to write her first book Confessions of an Undutiful Daughter by the end of 2011. She completed her dream journey May of 2011 on 8WD after a year living her dream. You can find her at Toxic Mom Toolkit on Facebook.

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  • It’s amazing the experiences these women are overcoming. Incredible that you can help them share their stories.

    Thanks for being able to handle it! – H

    • Rayne

      Jail interviews are kind of stressful. First you never know if the inmate will actually sit down and talk. Then the set up is always detrimental to any real conversation. In this case it was a two-sided table divided by plexiglass inside this tiny metal room that was so echo-y. We each have a locked door behind us. No phones like in the movies. Instead of holes drilled in the glass to talk through, there was this metal baffle with holes but way over on the wall. So you’re shouting and that’s bad for the inmate whose tier is just through the door behind her. The last thing anyone wants in jail is for others to know your personal life. Eventually we dialed it in to a mutually comfortable level.

  • Remy G

    keep writing, but go bowling or jump in a bounce house with kids. Something FUN.

    I cant wait to read your book! what an amazing set of stories. Sad, strong and amazing.

    Thank you for being strong enough to write it out.

    R

    • Rayne

      Remy! You are RIGHT ON! These stories do get intense. I think I’m going to try to do something funny next week. I’m going to scour my memory
      banks for FUNNY toxic mother stories. I know I got some! Right after the bounce house!

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    • Rayne

      Thanks Topsy.com!

  • Catherine

    Wow. He story could be a book all on its own.

    Your book will be a voice for all of these women, but it will also teach those who had normal dysfunctional families (;-)) that their parents were not bad at all.

    I’ve dated guys who complained that their mom seemed to favor another sibling, or didn’t pay for their college, or made them get jobs and help out when they were 16 – all nothing compared to these women’s stories.

    Another great one – Cath

    • I think next week I’ll do something fun and light
      to give everyone a break. This is some heavy stuff!

  • Mariska

    Wow. It’s all I can say.

    • I hope that’s a helpful ‘wow’…
      I know, it’s an amazing story and I’m very grateful
      she was brave enough to tell it.

      Do you know anyone who should fill out one
      of my questionaires? I’m still looking for more
      stories.

      Thanks for visiting!
      Rayne