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I’ve created a set of 30 healing affirmations for daughters of toxic mothers . . .
I don’t know if you ever do this, but I have caught myself on several occasions repeating little affirmations to myself, little mantras to shield me from toxic mother fall-out. I’m thinking about including them in my dream project, writing about toxic moms and their daughters.
My friend Jen says affirmations are kind of dorky and I know what she means, but I’ve compiled a list that could last a month anyway, although I really hope none of my readers actually needs one every single day.
Or you could just sit in the bathtub and pout like I’ve been known to do.
30 Healing affirmations for daughters of toxic mothers -
- My toxic mother won’t kill me. If she could, she would have already.
- Any guilt I feel regarding my toxic mother was planted, watered and tended by my mother.
- If my toxic mother were a co-worker or neighbor and I moved away, I’d never visit of her again.
- Family secrets instill guilt and shame. Are you being paid to keep family secrets? Then it’s not your job to keep them.
- If you can hear your mother’s voice in your head belittling you, tell her out loud she’s wrong. It’s okay. Other drivers will think you’ve got hands-free.
- Any mother who could be cruel to a child is not going to apologize to that child when they’ve grown up.
- Take everything negative about your mother and flip it in your life: create a welcoming and warm home life; express love and encourage others daily, extend yourself to those in need and remember, a life well lived is the best revenge.
- Five ways to say no to your toxic mother: No, I won’t be doing that. No, don’t count on my being there. No, I’m done subjecting myself to your drama. No, I choose not to accept the stress. No, I have more positive things to do.
- You can tell your toxic mother that as you’ve grown into a woman you’ve developed a better understanding of the choices she made. That should shut her up for a few moments.
- Your toxic mother can only intimidate you if you let her. While she’s busy trying to bully the child you, the adult you can reject her, ignore her, correct her, or report her to authorities.
- Amuse yourself to avoid getting sucked in. Keep an egg timer, a pad and paper by the phone. Tally the lies, the guilt trips and the demands she can make in 3 minutes. Then hang up.
- Never fight crazy with crazy. Crazy is your toxic mother’s ‘hood.
- Repeat after me: My toxic mother does not live in my head. She lives in her head.
- When relatives and friends say they can’t understand how you can treat your mother the way you do, consider telling them the truth.
- A toxic mother is an unnatural disaster.
- You can laugh or you can cry. Laugh. It’ll annoy the hell out of your toxic mother.
- Never hand a toxic “mom bomb” the match.
- On Mother’s Day and other family holidays focus on the positive women (and men) in your life. Thank them for their caring, kindness and encouragement.
- The cruel rule of RSVP is that the one person you hope will decline always comes. Never actually extend an invitation to an event at which you’d hate to see your toxic mother.
- Mother-daughter time is precious only if it’s positive.
- Give your mother the one gift she never gave you: the truth.
- Don’t let your toxic mother rob you of rich friendships with women who on the surface remind you of her. What are the odds your mother had an even more evil twin?
- Remember what my dad said, nobody can resist a joyous woman.
- Consider that your toxic mother may have been treated even more badly as a child than you were. It could keep you from throwing something.
- There is no dishonor in retreat. Refusing to enjoin battle is a small victory when it comes to toxic mothers.
- Keeping your children away from your toxic mother is a no-brainer. Introduce them to kind, responsible elders instead. Don’t know any? Consider visiting or volunteering with your child at a senior center or veterans home for an hour a week.
- Honor thy mother and father? You can honor them by respecting yourself first.
- Stare down your toxic mom fears until she fears you more.
- That which is most personal is most universal. People will understand if you simply say, my mother is not a nice person, but I am.
- Whose little girl am I? I can be my own little girl. I can care for and nurture her myself.
Do you have any words of wisdom to add?
I’d love to hear from you in the comments section.
Also, if you haven’t yet filled out the Confessions questionnaire please, please do.
Cut and paste it to a Word document, fill it out and email it to newsyrayne@gmail.com.
The stories included in these submissions are expanding the scope of my project. It’s funny how the hardest thing for me, asking for help, always amazes me in how generous people are.
Plus, telling your story is good for you.
Rayne
Rayne Wolfe’s dream is to write her first book Confessions of an Undutiful Daughter by the end of 2011. She completed her dream journey May of 2011 on 8WD after a year living her dream. You can find her at Toxic Mom Toolkit on Facebook.
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I actually love affirmations and use them diligently when I am going through a rough patch in my life. They counter the voice in your head that tries to tell you things which aren’t true or will never come to fruition.
When I am being a good girl and meditating like I should I use one at the end of my meditation.
They can even help you calm down before drifting off to sleep.
Being a recovering Catholic, it stands to reason that I would be a fan of His Holiness The Dalai Lama who says the following about affirmations,
“The very root of failure in our lives is to think, “Oh, how useless and powerless I am!” It is important to have a strong force of mind thinking, “I can do it,” this not being mixed with pride or any other afflictive emotions.”
If it’s good enough for the Dalai Lama, then it’s good enough for me, and great for your readers.
Cath
There are no mistakes in this world. Just this morning a dear friend of my phoned asking if it was alright if she divorced her mother. Then I read your post, perfect timing. I read it to her and she was able to calm down and not want to kill her mother. So if for nothing else, they work.
Veronica
It’s so crazy how negative we can be to ourselves in our little craniums. Sometimes I have to say to myself, Hey! you’ve hiked the Kalalau Trail! Twice! No boats! Hey! You survived your crazy first husband! Hey! Wonderful people think you’re smart! I have to say it out loud! I have to talk myself into believing I’m a capable person!
This post was mentioned on SquirrelTV? I’m hoping that’s a good thing!
That is so cool! I hope she was laughing by the time you got to the bottom.
And did you tell her she needs to fill out a questionaire? I need more!
-Rayne
P.S. FYI, you CAN divorce a parent.
Rayne, Like Veronica’s experience, this post was perfect timing. I had a long talk with a friend I’ve known since first grade. She has finally embraced the fact that her mother is toxic, will always be toxic, and at 78 she cant change her. I called her and read her this post and I could hear her stand taller over the phone. She didn’t say much, just kept whispering “thank you so much” over and over. I dont have a toxic mom, but I’m determined to help others who do.
Rem
How funny is that?! It’s like TM CPR!
“If my toxic mother were a co-worker or neighbor and I moved away, I’d never visit of her again.”
I had no idea I had subconsciously been living this rule for about 15 years now!
Not sure this is an affirmation, but if I know I’m not in a space to handle it, I give myself permission to throw any cards I get from her away without reading them.
Thanks again for an incredible story – Heather
Boy, maybe I should have posted that sooner! Do me a favor, both Remy and you should send the questionaire link to these ladies. I’m still collecting stories.
How about, no thanks Mom, that simply doesn’t work for me. It’s a crying shame not to have a loving supportive Mom. I mean why do some uteruses work and others don’t. I’ve never been cracked open with love like I was when I first held my babies. And affirmations are not corny. They actually change the neuro-transmitters in our brains creating new pathways of healing so affirm on Rayne…..you rule!
Blessings and Love, Laurie
This tears me up to read of a person (mother may be too kind of a word for her) who raises a child with such anger, contempt, hate and jealousy.
Your are a beacon of hope for some many others who have suffered the same fate as you. Your words are golden to those seeking comfort from this boiling tempest they have been exposed to all their lives.
Bless you Rayne-
~Toni
Thank you for the blessing! Amen!
What you wrote genuinely spoke to me and I wish I could talk more about this, but I can’t. Thanks for encouraging others to share their stories. It’s very enlightening to me. I wish you great success with your book.
This was really helpful. I have been searching for ways to cope with my mothers toxic behavior. I especailly like the 5 ways to say no and Amuse yourself. The most challenging aspect is learning how to enforce bounderies with a woman that doesn’t just cross boundaries – She blows them up. Any suggestions on that would be apperciated
Zachary,
Want to be the first man to fill out the questionnaire
found in the column entitled “Got a Dream – Ask for Help”?
I post each Sunday. Please visit again.
- Rayne
My friend Jen wants me to title my book Surviving Mom Bombs. Sounds like your mom would qualify!
Other than plain old maturity, the trick to mom bombs is not handing them the match. Don’t go where she’s going verbally. Blow out the flame by cutting things short. Accidental face hangups (darned this new phone!) work. A cop in the rearview is good for a quick hangup. You wouldn’t let anyone else talk to you or invade your space like that – so don’t let her. See you next Sunday? – Rayne
Dear Rayne,
I can barely see the screen through my tears, here. Somehow these affirmations have given me my own intelligent ammo against my toxic mother. Whenever I have been around her, or I call, I always feel really crazy. I am beginning to realize that she can’t come and remove me from my life, she won’t really come after me destroying my childrens innocence and the beautiful childhood we are creating for them, a full state away. I have been living under the “Be the change you want to see in the world”, and when my mother hadn’t changed or apologized or even admit to any wrong doing as a mother, I thought I was’t “being the change” enough. Now I am starting to truly understand that it’s not me, but maybe it’s her. Also, I don’t think she will change. I’ll keep these affirmations up and present to look at until I really own these words.
Thank you again, for impacting my life in such an important way!
Shellie, I’m so happy you found this post. These affirmations were inspired by my experience. Trust yourself to create your own, specific, empowering affirmations.
For example, if there was one scary toxic mother at your neighborhood playground, you’d decide on your own ground rules about exposing your children to her chaos.
So maybe your affirmation in that situation would be: My children deserve a peaceful playtime; I am my children’s peacekeeper.
You might shop parks, or figure out the best time to avoid her. You wouldn’t tell her she was toxic – you’d adjust and protect your children.
So when you are a shield protecting your children from your toxic mother, you are doing the sane, adult and compassionate thing. Don’t hope she’ll change. You can’t change her. But if she’s out in the cold long enough she might change herself just enough to exit the toxic zone and have the privilege of being a grandmother. Or not. It’s YOUR call. I love that Gandhi quote, but the world is a big place. Why not be the change in your home, on your block and at your playground while you’re kids are little. The world will still be there when you expand your sphere of influence.
Calm rational thinking makes dealing with TM’s easier and easier.
what a great blog post/story rayne =)
Thank you! Can I interest you in a questionnaire?
Rayne
I was sitting here about to cry because i just talked to my toxic Mom then I read this and felt stronger. Having a toxic Mom is so depressing because I never know when she is going to attack me and how severe the attack will be. I will be sailing along happy with my life and she will call me and BAM I am reeling from whatever nasty things she has said it is so sad. Thanks for the affirmations I need them.
Gail,
Do you know why TM’s like telephones? No witnesses! They’ll say things on the phone they’d never say in public. Do you know why Undutiful Daughters love telephones? Call screening! I’m so glad you found this post on the day you needed it.
I have a toxic mother that I no longer see as she was destroying me……many people don’t understand when they find out you never see your own mother :(
I understand fully Maureen, people always seem to assume YOU have done something wrong if u dont see your own mother. I haven’t spoken or seen my mother for 7 years, I am 48 and I only wish I had cut her off when I was 20 instead of trying to please someone who is just a nasty control freak.
thank you thank you thank you.
Cera,
Don’t thank me, thank all the other undutiful daughters/readers who have educated me even further with their stories. Please come back each Sunday for more information, opinion and stories. This is where the sanity starts.