Driving down the freeway at 11pm all I can think about is a jar of peanut butter. My mouth begins to water and I am consumed with thoughts of eating. A banana wouldn’t be so bad, would it?
This is the battle I rage with myself more often than I’d like to admit.
A large part of me desperately wants something to eat and another part of me wants to stay focused on a healthy lifestyle.
- I try to remember how I look in the mirror.
- I try to remember that I really don’t feel good when I eat things that aren’t good for my body.
- I try to remember that I hate it when I eat too much food.
But that other voice is screaming, I want what I want and I want it now!
No one can answer that other voice but me. I can read all the books and magazines in the world, I can have personal trainer Jillian Michaels screaming at me to get moving, and the painful truth is that unless I take the action to resist that other voice who works against me in my head then nothing is going to change.
What happens when you do the same thing over and over again?
It goes from being a groove to being a grave.
How do I feel? I feel like crying. I feel alone and hungry. I am tired, irritable and want to feel snuggled and loved. I can feel the walls, the walls that keep me safe, safe from being hurt shrinking away before me. Get some peanut butter ice cream, dammit.
I don’t like how I feel and I want it to go away right now. Will the ice cream do this? Will the ice cream satisfy this voice in my head? How long will this feeling last if I don’t get ice cream? I feel like crawling out of my skin. My stomach is queasy, restless and irritable.
Make it go away.
But the only way I know how to do that is to eat – and eat sugar in just about any form. Then I can curl up in a ball and go to sleep, but without sugar, my legs are so restless – my mind 1,000 places.
How do I create a place where I can give myself what I need?
There is this awareness. There’s the sitting down and sharing this with all of you. This slows me down and distracts the voice in my head that is screaming that it is hungry for sugar. I’m here feeling the feeling right in front of you – the feelings that are causing me to want to eat. I guess we could call this being aware. . .
Are you really aware that I really want peanut butter, ice cream and cookies at this moment?
I enter my home and the refrigerator is calling to me Come with me Veronica, come with me to the Casbah land of ice cream and sweet confection and we’ll make beautiful music together . . .
I race to my room and open my laptop. I sign on and here all of you are with me as the bad boyfriend calls me from the kitchen.
I need to be kind and gentle with myself don’t I? Maybe I should take a long, hot shower, shave the nubs, put lotion on my body, brush my teeth and floss. Then jump into my clean jammies and distract myself further by changing the sheets on my bed.
All those things can make me feel good. Ladies are you with me?
But I still want something to eat.
Plan B . . . OK . . . visualize cellulite. Visualize my best friend’s wedding coming up on July 31. Do I really want to be a old, fat maid of honor? OK just get in bed, roll over and go to sleep.
If I can resist I will feel so much better tomorrow. If I listen to that other voice calling me and go ahead and eat a peanut butter, ice cream and cookies I will feel horrible tomorrow . . . which is it to be?
Will I stay with my dream of conquering food issues?
Veronica left 8 Women Dream in December 2010 after accomplishing two dreams.